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February 2022: A Turning Point Almost 18 Months Later

In Summer 2020, I was almost but not quite ready to embark on the application cycle for doctoral programs in Community Psychology. Almost ready because I could sense that my exit from a career in student affairs in higher education was drawing near for many factors that I'll likely expand upon at a later date and also because I continued to feel drawn to different approaches to supporting the emerging adult experience than those typically utilized within higher education. Not quite ready because there weren't any programs easily accessible to me, living in Cleveland, Ohio at the time. So I made a concrete plan to apply to programs for a start date of Fall 2021. But that all changed when an email came across the SCRA listserv that National Louis University was going to pilot a fully remote cohort for their Community Psychology PhD program starting in September 2020. Within record time, I was able to pull together the application materials to be submitted for consideration to the program, and before I knew it, I was in a Zoom classroom with 11 other folks. And my life has felt like a whirlwind ever since.

This February marks 18 months since beginning my PhD journey, and I only now feel grounded and steady in the journey. All I can say about why it's taken so long to feel grounded is that imposter syndrome is very, very real, especially as someone pivoting their career. And sure, doctoral programs are meant to train scholars in research, but there is an overwhelming sense that PhD students should already have significant research experience before starting. As I was starting to develop my proposal for my pilot study, I had a hard time talking about my research interests with others. I kept thinking what if this isn't actually interesting or compelling at all to the field? I kept wondering whether I was missing something significant in the literature that would signal that my research questions were moot. Even after my proposal was approved by my program and by IRB, I continued to have doubts. Those doubts did not disappear during data collection either. If anything, the reality of conducting the research magnified the effect of imposter syndrome on me. What if this whole process and project falls apart somehow? what if I don't have the wherewithal to actually follow it through? I'd be lying if I didn't admit to wondering at several points about whether I should just stop out and go back to my previous professional life in student affairs in higher education. I already had the education, experience, and expertise; I knew I wasn't an imposter in that context. 

Thankfully, I have had significant support from my cohort mates, faculty advisor, and other faculty instructors throughout this period of time. They have been instrumental in helping me feel grounded not only in my research process but also in my pivoting identity as a community psychologist. More significantly, my faculty advisors helped me get my pilot study underway. And although I'm taking longer than I had hoped and planned to finish up the pilot study, I feel like I have definitely reached a turning point in this journey. Despite those thoughts intruding in the metaphorical back of my brain, I know that I'm moving in the right direction. Let's hope I can build and maintain momentum for the next 18 months.

I'm curious to hear from other folks about their initial experiences in their graduate programs, especially for folks pivoting career fields. Have others been struggling with imposter syndrome? Has imposter syndrome affected people in other ways? What kind of strategies or support systems have helped manage this challenge? I also had seen somewhere that folks were talking about how the concept of imposter syndrome is problematic and grounded in colonization or coloniality. I can't remember if it was an article or a video and unfortunately, I wasn't able to find it again, but I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this as well.